TOW No Title Yet
by UnicornGiggles
Summary: *CHAPTER 4 NOW UP* J/C slash. No explicit scenes yet but there will be. Anyway based on the lobster theory, just like all the other Friends fics ^_^
1. Running, Mermaids and a PLAYful Kiss

            "Ok… Ok… " Chandler breathed in slowly.

            "Wait for it…" Joey's arm trembled in anticipation.

            "And… and they're running!" Chandler exclaimed.

Joey leapt out of his chair and yelled, "Dude, _Baywatch_ repeats totally kick ass." Chandler took a swig of beer and perused the TV guide. "It especially kicks ass when it's a whole day of _Baywatch_. All those hours of running and… running." Joey was still transfixed by the screen. "Dude they're running again!"

            "Ok could you _be_ anymore obsessed? Just sit down and enjoy the running without slobbering on the screen." Chandler threw the guide at Joey's behind. He grumbled and sank back into his recliner. "You know what?"

            "What?"

            "It's so… great to have you back." 

            "Thanks man." Chandler drank from his beer can again and glanced for a second behind him, towards the apartment he had shared with his ex-wife and child. He sighed and drank the rest of the beer. "Beer me," he muttered to Joey. Joey smiled softly and reached down into the portable fridge next to his chair. "This sure beats walking all the way to the refrigerator." 

Chandler groaned, "It was meant to be for camping trips." 

            "When were you planning to go camping, Mr Shit-there's-a-bee-we-gotta-get-outa-here-before-we-all-die-a-horrible-stingfilled-death?" 

            "Well maybe when Daniel was older we could've…" He stopped himself. "And hey, only _I'm_ allowed to make witty retorts."

            "Mon'll still let you see him. He's only across the hall." 

            "Yeah…" But whatever Monica wanted, she got. And she'd wanted full access to Daniel. And he needed more time than that. He tried not to think bitter thoughts. He was determined to stay friends with her if not for the sake of the group, then for his own sanity. "I'm going over there Joe," he said, standing abruptly. 

            "But the next episode is when Yasmine…"

            "Tape it." He walked out through the Joey-Chandler door and knocked softly on the old Bing-Geller door. 

            Monica was having trouble getting Daniel to sleep. He was having terrible teething problems and so she was relieved to see Chandler at the door. "Oh I'm glad you're here! Hold him while I get his ba-ba, sweetie." Chandler held the struggling infant obediently. Sweetie? "Er… Mon?" 

She rummaged through the laundry and shouted back, "Speak louder, I cant hear you properly." Daniel wailed louder. "I WAS JUST WONDERING IF…"

            "IF WHAT?"

            "IF YOU WANTED TO GO OUT ONE NIGHT I'D LOOK AFTER DANIEL!"

            "REALLY?"

            "WELL I'M STARTING TO CHANGE MY MIND NOW…" Chandler sat on the sofa trying to get Daniel's attention. "Look at daddy… he's a loser with no job! Are you going to stop crying and laugh instead?" Daniel's cry softened to a grizzled whine. "Close enough," he sighed. Monica emerged from the bedroom and looked around. "Oh no, it's such a mess in here! I can't believe how bad I am at this." She buried her face into Daniel's comforter, ba-ba. Then she had an afterthought. "Did you really mean it, Chandler?" Chandler bounced Daniel up and down for a second then answered, "Sure Mon. You know me, I'm too nice." She looked at him through glistening eyes. "Thank you… though I'll probably just stay here and clean up. I couldn't go have fun knowing it was so untidy here." Chandler chuckled and handed Daniel over to Monica for his afternoon nap. "Are you staying long?"

            "No, it's… Baywatch day."

            "Oh a 'date' with Joey. Figures," she smiled at her small joke. Daniel's whine increased to a banshee-like screech and Monica rushed him to his cot. Chandler looked around too. It was indeed a mess. No one would ever believe that Monica lived here if they didn't know about her newborn baby. "I'm erm… going to go now. Call me when you want to go out and… I'll pick him up." 

            "Ok," she called out from the spare room. He slowly paced backwards out of the room. "See you around, Mon?" 

            "Sure." The tiredness in her voice echoed around and he felt a pang of guilt. If he'd stayed… But it was no use wishing that. There had been too many fights (mostly caused by her, he thought and scowled), too much to remind him of his own family. He couldn't let Daniel go through what he had. But at least, he thought as he closed the door, I wouldn't run off with one of the 'help'. 

            The friends soon settled back into their familiar circle, but with a curious little girl and a screaming baby as additions. And occasionally Phoebe brought along her boyfriend Andy. But it was mostly them and they began acting as they always had; sarcastic comments from Chandler, blank looks from Joey, un-witty dinosaur anecdotes from Ross, ditzy songs and inane facts from Phoebe and the two very different mum's, one called Monica who was desperate to keep the children clean and the other Rachel who seemed to forget that they were even there. One time as they supped their coffee's in their favourite spot in _Central Perk_, Phoebe let slip that she reckoned Andy was her lobster. "The lobster theory again?" Rachel queried licking away some Cappuchino foam from her top lip. "Uh-huh, I mean we so totally belong together don't you think?" 

Monica sighed, "You'll grow old together and spend your whole life living in total bliss. I'd love that." 

Chandler gave her a sideways glance then mumbled bitterly, "Sounds like me and Joe. I guess he's my lobster then!" He immediately regretted saying that as they all looked from him to Joey. "Yeah… maybe!" Phoebe grinned.

            "Dude, we aren't lobsters!" said Joey. "And anyway I prefer mermaids." He indicated to a pretty girl at the counter. Phoebe considered the analogy. "Lobsters and mermaids as guys and girls. Mermaids and mermaids and lobsters and lobsters." She strummed her guitar. "I so totally feel a song coming on."

Lobsters and mermaids are the way it should be

But not everyone is into the law of the sea

Lobsters and lobsters are just fine with me

And mermaids and mermaids make me horny!

Joey smiled broadly and nodded his head to the rhythm. "Yeah! Hot mermaid action!" Ross coughed loudly to indicate that they should shut up about this kind of topic with Emma around. Rachel slapped his knee. "C'mon lobster, we've got to take Emma for a check-up. See you guys later!" Monica and Daniel went along with them. "It's like a mommy-club and we're not invited," Phoebe sighed.

            "Hey you've technically been a mommy, Pheebs." Phoebe shrugged off Joey's gesture of comfort eager to get onto another topic. "So… lobsters?" she giggled. Chandler choked on his blueberry muffin. "It was *cough* just an *cough* observation." Joey slapped him on the back. "Yeah I can totally see us as like two grumpy old men or something. I mean, I'll never settle down." He wryly smiled as he remembered his failed attempts with Rachel. "We'll all probably do each other at some point anyway," he added. 

            "I can't wait for our turn," she purred. Chandler finally coughed up the muffin piece. "Hey! Stay away from MY lobster, you mermaid temptress!" he joked. 

"What about mermen?" Joey pondered, surprising even himself with his lurid comment.

            "Ok, man. I'm pretty sure I know what you meant by that and… just no way."

            "Ooh another song idea!"

Everyone in our gang has a secret crush

And no one is in a rush… to admit it

It's becoming rather weird

As Joey says what Chandler feared

As he moves in for a kiss, Bing shall blush

            "Will you STOP singing songs about it? We're getting strange looks." Chandler tore apart his muffin so it looked as though he'd eaten more then he actually had. "But it totally explains your gay quality! Your gay quality is Joey."

Joey leaned back in his chair, "Cool, I'm a quality!" Chandler groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Not this again, look I have a kid!"

            "So does Ross's ex-wife."

            "Aw c'mon man! I don't blame you – everyone wants a piece o' Joey!" Joey folded his arms behind his head and grinned cheekily. Chandler gulped down his coffee and stormed out of the coffee house. "He really gets agitated when we call him gay, huh? He must really be a closet-claw."

            "Wait, you don't really believe this do you, Phoebe?"

            "Of course I do! 3 million slash fiction sites cant be wrong."

            "Huh?"

            "Um… nothing." She regretted letting on about her extensive knowledge of how the world works once again. She was always the chess-player moving the gay pawns in these stories. He got up and said, "Look sorry to leave you like this but, I've kinda got a part for a play and I want to go read the script." Phoebe was surprised that he was getting back into acting. For the last few months he'd gone back to work at '_Central Perk'_ only after Rachel _persuaded_ Gunther to let him in. "Yeah but don't tell the others. I've only told you and Chandler. We can have our own club." He winked. 

            Joey flicked through the pages of the script. It didn't appear to be too difficult. A drama scene here, a monologue there, a kiss or two… He stopped on one of the kiss scenes. Charlie? He hoped Charlie was a girl as he traced his finger down the cast list. Nope, a guy. Charlie was a guy. He hadn't practised kissing a guy for a long time. And Ross was out of the question this time so… But Chandler was still in a funny mood from earlier. So Joey only knocked on his bedroom door after pacing the room for several minutes debating the pros and cons of asking this favour. In the end, he'd worked out that Chandler would help him with anything. "Dude?" He could hear Chandler moving from his bed, then towards the door. "What?" he answered sulkily. "Well, I know this'll sound hippo-hypo-hypcrit… kinda two-faced, but there's this gay scene in my play and…" he stepped back as Chandler opened the door. "My quality lobster wants some help?" Joey stepped back further. "Uh-huh. We were just kidding, y'know? Honest!"

            "I know. I'm just a bit agitated."

            "Well it's only been 5 months. You'll be fine one day. Hopefully soon."

            "No I doubt it… anyway. I want to make it up to you for last time. I'm sure I'm a much better kisser than Ross," Chandler laughed and snatched the play from Joey. "So, which page?"

            Monica could only take so much and Daniel was really crossing the line. He flailed in his cot, screaming and throwing his ba-ba out of it, then crying even louder when he realised it had gone. "STOP. THROWING. IT. OUT. THEN!!!" she screamed back and fell to the floor sobbing. She'd wanted children so much and now she knew that she'd just been in love with the idea of them and unlike Rachel, had no real help. "Wait!" She got to her feet. Chandler was right nearby. He wanted to help. She finally admitted defeat. She'd let Chandler have him for the night. She lifted the baby, kicking and screaming still, from the cot and rushed to the door. She'd send by his stuff later. As she neared the boys' door she could hear raised voices.

            "You never appreciate me!" That was Chandler, she was sure.

            "Well if you weren't such a big baby about how shit your life has turned out then I'd respect you more!" Joey… talking about the divorce.

            "Respect? You couldn't spell respect even if the song of the same name's chorus was on!"

            "Oh sure, not all of us are as great as you, you big, fat…" Silence fell around the hallway. Monica pushed open the door. Joey was stood over Chandler in one of the recliners and they were… She quietly closed the door and walked away in horror. She'd suspected… but no, not her ex-husband and best friend? She held Daniel closely and didn't even notice he'd fallen soundly asleep.  


	2. I SO could get a Brian!

Joey broke the lingering kiss first and Chandler waited for the verdict. "Ok…" Joey mumbled. "You ARE better than Ross at kissing." 

Chandler stood up and danced around, "Who's da man? Chandler's da man!"

          "Ok dude, enough. I want you to be Clarissa in this next scene. It's the really stupid long one and I gotta practise it until I know it all. You just stand over there and look absorbed by my speech." Chandler nodded and leant on the counter and listened intently to the monologue. On another train of thought, he swore he could hear Monica banging as many doors in her apartment as she could find, which she only did if she was really pissed off. He wondered what could've upset her enough to make her do that, but he suddenly noticed Joey frowning at him. "Did you hear any of it?"

          "Sorry… I wasn't really paying attention Joe," he confessed. They both heard a loud slam from the opposite apartment. "Is that Monica? She's really pissed off about something, huh?" Joey pressed his ear against their door. "Should we go over there?" Chandler asked, hoping Joey would say yes. If he could comfort her now, then maybe… he felt rather foolish for thinking that. I broke up with her, he reminded himself. You moved out. It was your choice.

          Monica's temper subsided for a moment, enough time for her to break down into fits of sobbing. She tried to watch Daniel through the tears but as they fell faster all she saw was a red and white blur. He was wearing his favourite t-shirt. His daddy bought it whilst out looking for a job. One of the things they'd fought about. He kept buying things he couldn't afford. "I bought it too big, so he'll grow into it! It'll last another year, Mon," he had used as an excuse. But the crimson material was already feeling tight around the head when she forced it on. But it was one of the few things that made Daniel happy nowadays. She picked him up and cried even more at the tenderness of his fingers grasping hers. How could she, even for a moment, regret this? Then she remembered why she had been crying in the first place. Monica bit her lip and jumped when she heard a gentle knocking at her door. "Mon?"

          "Joey?" She edged towards the door. "Why are you… what the HELL do you want?"

Joey was rather taken aback by this outburst and whispered through the keyhole, "Well I was practising some lines with Chandler and we heard you and were worried. Can I come in?" Monica flung the door open. "Lines?" 

          "Yeah I wasn't going to tell anyone else yet but I'm going back into acting. This is my first play. I'm Julius Ferelli – a gay alcoholic who murders his boyfriend's cousin."

          "Gay… oh." She placed a hand to her head and laughed madly. "I am such a freak! I mean, I totally believed that you…" She decided not to finish the sentence. "I'm fine. I'm so… fine. Honestly." 

          "Ok," he said and hugged her tightly, trying not to squash Daniel. "Hey, Chandler's found a job at his old place. He's not as high up as before but it means we have an office party to go to at Christmas."

She smiled in a thoughtful fashion and said, "Tell him I'm happy for him. Really." Daniel coughed up a little milky vomit onto her shoulder. "Aw, Danny!" she whined and ran to the sink. Joey took Daniel from her and offered to watch him for a few hours with Chandler so she could tidy up. She nodded gratefully and watched her baby go with the slight rise of panic and relief that all new mothers feel when their babies are taken away.

          Christmas came faster than anyone expected and Chandler soon found himself, very drunk, at the office Christmas party and he was coming on to anything with a pulse. Joey was drinking very little that night, because he didn't want to miss his first performance of '_The Evil of Drink_' the next day, and knowing how utterly ironic it would be if he turned up with a hangover. But the others were almost as merry as Chandler and Monica didn't mind seeing her ex-husband draped all over Gil from Supplies. She already had her eye on a tall handsome man at the bar. "Do you think I have a chance with him?" she yelled over the loud music to Phoebe, who was dancing wildly with Joey. "I dunno, he's setting off my gaydar," she yelled back.

          "I think that's Brian!" yelled Joey. 

          "It is Brian. I SO could get a Brian!" Chandler bellowed as he staggered over to join them. "I mean, he's not that hot is he?"

          "Er, yah he is!" Monica drooled at the sight of him. Even Phoebe's eyes were undressing him. Chandler staggered back over to the bar. "I think I'd better keep an eye on him. In case he really DOES get Brian," Joey said into Phoebe's ear and she simply nodded and continued to bump and grind with Monica. Joey would've loved to have stayed and watched such an erotic scene, but he could see Chandler chatting to Brian and looking very doped up.

          Their chat started when Brian had sat next to Chandler at the bar and indicated the sprig of mistletoe on his belt. "How about it?" he murmured. Chandler didn't hear him because of the loud music, but guessed what he had suggested and shook his head. "Wait," Brian gasped. "Bing? I thought you left, buddy!"

          "I came crawling back. Three months ago."

          "Sorry," he smirked, "I should pay more attention to office memo's." He noticed Chandler's left hand was bare. "Isn't that your wife over there?" Chandler nodded, then shook his head and took a long swig of beer. "Ex. But we're friends."

          "Oh so you came out before you hurt her anymore?"

          "I keep telling you I'm not gay, Brian…" His eyes glazed over and his head dropped onto the bar whacking his chin. The alcohol had dulled his senses so he didn't feel his teeth clash together until a few seconds later. "Fuck…" 

          "But you set off my gaydar, Bing. And it's very accurate."

          "Don't you have a boyfriend?"

          "We broke up. I did go out with Gil for a while, but he has a bad crush on you still."

          "Gil from Supplies?" Chandler's neck grew hot with guilt remembering how he had flirted with him earlier.

Brian leaned closer, "Everyone says you can't get a Brian. But I bet I can get a Chandler…" 

          "HEY!!!" Joey leapt across the room. "Dude, he's totally out of it. How can you take advantage of him like that?" Brian got up slowly waving his hands in defeat. "Look I'm sorry. I didn't know he was taken."

          "Taken?" Before Joey could correct him Chandler tugged at his arm. His face was very pale and he clutched at his stomach and mouth. "I think I'm… going to…" Joey led him out of the room, glaring at Brian as he went.

          "Dude?" Joey called through the stall. "You done yet?" Chandler gurgled in response and Joey took it as a no. He had no idea how long he'd been in there and he was getting fed up of guys wandering in and whispering, "That's Bing's guy," or, " That's so sweet of him to stay with his boyfriend," from the gay ones. Joey began to wonder if there wasn't some huge ratio of gay men in the building. Not that he minded; he had plenty of gay actor friends. But only a few of them had suggested that there was anything between him and Chandler. Here it seemed to be some kind of conspiracy. Chandler grabbed Joey's ankle and moaned, "Paper." Joey was initially shocked by the unexpected grab but recovered and hunted around for some toilet paper. He could only find paper towels and passed them under. "Are these ok?"

          "Sure, it's just to wipe my mouth." He burst out of the stall leaving behind an eagerly flushing toilet and he splashed some water onto his face. "Gum?" Joey offered. "It's sugar-free." Chandler smiled up at him and took the gum. "I'm sorry Joe, you didn't have to stay," he said as they walked out and sat down in the hallway. "Yeah, but I wanted to. You always look after me," beamed Joey as he drummed his fingers on the floor to the rhythm of the music still beating at full flow through the wall. They only heard fractions of it when the door opened to let in giggling parties of women and to let out other Chandlers who'd had way too much to drink. Chandler leant on Joey's right shoulder and almost dozed off. "Aren't you two cute? I'm sorry I almost broke you up." They looked up wearily to see a sheepish Brian, twiddling his thumbs and looking very sorry. "We're not…" Joey began, but then realised there was no point in it. "We're not angry with you." Brian seemed satisfied by this and went to walk back to the party. But as he turned, he looked back and added, "No wonder you didn't want a Brian. Not when you've got a Joey!" He pushed his way back amongst the hubbub and left Joey, pleased at being considered hotter than Brian, and Chandler asleep and dribbling on Joey's shoulder.

          Monica eased herself into the taxicab first, followed by Chandler, then Joey. Phoebe, Ross and Rachel had squeezed into the one in front, which had already sped off into the night. Joey told the driver where they wanted to go and sat back. Chandler lay with his feet on Joey's lap and his head nestled against Monica's, with the rest of his body contorted into the only shape possible for his strange sleeping preference. Monica hardly noticed him. "Who's babysitting the kids?" Joey asked trying desperately to fill the silence. 

          "Carol and Susan."

          "Ah. Both of the kids?"

          "Yep."

          "Cool." Joey ran out of things to say. Chandler muttered something about wanting a pizza but Joey firmly told him that he wasn't paying for good food if he was just going to puke it back up. Chandler didn't answer as he snuggled against Monica. "Does he miss me? Us?" Monica asked out of the blue.

          "Of course, Mon."

          "But… he'd rather be with you. Be a guy. Have fun."

          "He said that?"

          "He doesn't have to, " sighed Monica. "How can we compete with foosball and Baywatch?"

          "No you just…"

          "Aren't lobsters. Or mermaids or whatever." She stroked Chandler's short hair and he moved at the touch. Joey felt so caught in the middle again. "Look don't…" she started to say and trailed off.

          "What?" Joey swallowed at a dry lump that had formed in his throat. She tossed him a piece of paper. "I got a guy's number. And I think I might ring it. But if he'll react badly I don't… I mean I won't ring if…"

Joey tossed the number back to her and said softly, "It's your life now. And I'll help him through anything that he needs help with. I don't want to stop you. You're both my friends, even if I'm more loyal to him. Its just how we are, y'know?"

          "I know. And thanks Joey."  


	3. Running Cold and Hot

The alarm's radio buzzed into life at 9am and Chandler threw out a lazy arm to switch it off. He pulled his hot face from the pillow, sticky with drool and blinked at the harsh sunlight. His head was dizzy with heat but he needed to pull the blanket around him tightly to shut out the cold air rising up from the doorway. He'd left it open last night? He didn't remember getting in at all. Last thing was Joey… yes, Joey and Monica. They'd put him to bed. He pulled the blanket even tighter and tiptoed into Joey's room. Even in these cold temperatures he was lying idly naked with his quilt tucked between his legs thankfully obscuring any sight of… a sharp pain hit Chandler between the eyes and he cried out briefly. It was loud enough to wake Joey. "Chand?" Chandler clutched the bridge of his nose and nodded, sucking hard, icy air between his teeth to prevent him from whimpering again. "Where's Monica?" he groaned.

          "At home I guess. Did you expect her to be here or something?" Joey wrapped his quilt so it gave him a little modesty. "I don't know…" sighed Chandler. "I remember… a guy's number!" His eyes sprang open. "She's found a guy! She…" He could've broken down right then if he didn't feel so sick from last night. Joey crawled down the bed and pressed his hand on Chandler's forehead. "Whoa, you're burning up! Go to bed, I'll get you some cold medicine." Chandler stumbled out of the room and fell into his bed. He felt a little better about Monica now. It's just a date… just one… He fell asleep again. Joey had found some boxers by then and was headed to the kitchen to make up a hot drink. He wasn't sure which one Chandler liked and, by peeking through the wide open door, he could see that he was in no condition to talk. A little while later Chandler felt Joey gently rocking him awake, telling him to drink something. He held out a cup. Chandler opened his mouth slightly then closed it again mumbling about drunken liaisons with Halle Berry. "Man…" Joey spoke to himself, "Serves you right for trying to swim in the snow last night." He chuckled and remembered the small spark between Monica and Chandler as she had scolded him and dragged him through the doors and upstairs to their homes. How tenderly she had laid his hand on his pillow after Joey had simply thrown him on the bed. But it was a spark and nothing more, he regarded sadly. Not too sadly. Because now he had his roommate back with him where he belonged. 

          After a hefty 29hour sleep, Chandler woke to the sounds of Phoebe and Joey in a heated game of foosball. He tried to get up but his legs were tired and his arms shaky. His lips were dry but he managed to call out faintly to them. They heard nothing at first and Phoebe scored a goal. "Yeah! I like, rule your ass!"

          "Pheebs?" he tried again.

          "Chandler? Oh my god, yey!" She ran into his bedroom. Joey stole the Malteaser they had been using for a ball and ate it before joining them. Phoebe was stood over Chandler and ranting feverishly, "Ok thanks to you I've lost 2 bets and your recliner!" 

          "Wha?" muttered Chandler. 

          "I bet Ross that you'd go home with Brian and you didn't. Then I bet Joey it'd be Gil and you didn't go home with him either. Then I asked Joey if you died from this illness, could I have your recliner. And damn you, you're alive." Then she added, "Of course, that's good too." Chandler remembered Brian. And Gil. "Noooooooo…" he wailed into his pillow. "I'm such a man-whore!" 

          "Uh-huh, yah." Phoebe crossed her arms. "But your lobster and fairy mermaid are here to make sure you get well and go back to work and apologise to Gil." He simply nodded and then noticed he had no pyjamas on. His face flushed a deep crimson and he looked nervously at Phoebe. "Oh come on, I massage guys all the time. You're actually not bad compared to some of them."

Chandler couldn't resist a joke at her expense; "Good enough for you to bite me?" Phoebe stuck out her tongue and winked. "Maybe." She waltzed out of the room notifying them that she was headed to the coffee house. "Oh I'll stay here with Chandler," Joey answered. 

          "I'll be fine…" But Joey was already going to boil up some more of the cold medicine drink. "Lemon or blackcurrant?" he called to his sick buddy, ignoring Phoebe's swipe at his head when she discovered the missing foosball ball. "Lemon," he replied, nestling into the blanket and jumping slightly at the sound of the door closing. Phoebe tended to slam. Joey walked in stirring the drink then pointed at Chandler's naked body with the spoon and said, "Your clothes were wet. So I undressed you." 

"Oh…" he took the drink and sipped it slowly. "This makes quite a change, huh? You looking after me." he said between sips. 

"Yeah…" Joey beamed. Chandler almost dropped his drink when he realised. "Your play, how'd it go?"

"I missed it."

"You? You… missed it? How…" it dawned on him. "You stayed with me…" Albeit the oversleeping had made him more emotional then he'd like to be, but it had no control over his next action and he felt no qualms about hugging Joey then and there.

They all decided to miss the New Year's party at Chandler's office and spent the night at Monica's. Or Monica and Daniel's she told them to call it and this amused Chandler to no end. She really respected that this was a human being, one for her to raise and teach and mould. Without his help, he'd requested of her. "I don't want him as screwed up as I am," he quipped and they'd laughed like old times. Just as they were all laughing now: in the sitting room drinking and chatting huddled over a card game gone awry. Ross had wanted to get out Monopoly or Risk but the others had managed to persuade him with the advice that he and Monica became WAY too involved in these things. Phoebe watched now as Joey slid his hand over Chandler's to pick up a new card and she sighed in frustration. A small piteous cry from the baby distracted Monica out of the room and they all stifled giggles as they swapped cards around and looked at hers. She caught them and gave them a huge lecture on cheating. Then promptly stole one of Andy's cards to give herself a royal flush and won the game. She licked a finger as she counted the dollar bills taking glee in the mortified look on their faces. The phone rang. "Let the machine get it," she said, re-shuffling the cards deftly. 

The machine beeped and the new message rolled, "Hi Monica? It's me Gil, I'm sorry you couldn't make it tonight. I just wanted to wish you a happy new year and I hope you feel better tomorrow. Call me!" The machine beeped again. Monica dropped the cards and tried to read Chandler's face. His first emotion – recognition. He knew Gil's voice right away. The second was surprise followed shortly by confusion. Then… nausea? They were all watching him now. "What?" Nervously, he shifted back onto his butt and crossed his legs in front of him. Inside, he wished he felt angry, or betrayed but instead he felt horrified that Gil would be contacting his ex-wife, when he supposedly had a crush on him. Maybe Gil swung both ways, he pondered. He'd been silent for too long and their eyes burned into his flesh. A searing, crushing wave of angst. Then a breeze of relief on his left arm… Joey was holding it and asking him something. The blood rushing in his ears drowned out the sound. He craned to hear it. "Are you Ok?" Joey shook his arm again. Chandler was looking right through him and then his eyes focused into Joey's and he murmured an answer, looking away as he did so. "Huh?" Joey lowered his head to meet his eyes again. "Gil… I think he's… oh, it doesn't matter." He got up and said something about having a great time to Monica, then turned tail and rushed out of the apartment. It was Rachel who broke the silence with a matter-of-fact comment by saying, "Wasn't Gil the guy who Brian dumped a few weeks ago?"

          "Oh!" Monica put her hand to her mouth. He was trying to warn me…

          She hurled her tiny frame at his door in an attempt to break it down. "Chandler!" she yelled. The others watched with intrigue. "She won't hurt herself will she?" asked Andy.

          "Nah, she's tougher than she looks," Phoebe said, accidentally spitting out bits of the trail mix she was eating, obviously enjoying the scene.

          "Chandler? It's Ok, really! If you know something about Gil, I'll believe you!" But nothing. She turned back to them, shrugging wistfully. They went back inside. Midnight approached and the only one Chandler let in was Joey. After all, he did live there. Monica tried to slide in when Joey did but Chandler caught her in time and pushed her out with a struggled whine of, "Sorry." Joey looked at Chandler for a while and then asked which phase of the break-up he was in. Chandler answered honestly: he wasn't sure. They sat for a while watching late-night erotica. Joey became rather excited by it but Chandler seemed immune with grief. "I'll kill him," he announced after a while.

          "Chandler you couldn't kill a fly. I've seen you trying and deliberately missing them with the newspaper. You can't take the guilt." Chandler laughed and stroked the arm of the chair. The leather was old and used now and wonderfully soft to touch. "You're right, Joe," he said after a while, "I'm a big fat wuss."

          "That's why I'm the lobster with the big claw, like on that documentary Ross made us watch, for smashing other lobsters that hurt you," Joey got up and imitated himself beating up little lobsters. Chandler laughed again. "I forgot to thank you, y'know? For saving me from the evil many-handed octopus, Brian." Joey looked up at him with an unreadable expression. "Anytime." That look bothered Chandler for the rest of the night.

          A warm undercurrent of air moved through Chandler's bedroom and he shifted uncomfortably in his bed. He awoke, fearing his fever may have come back, but found that he was simply just overly warm. He took off his pyjamas and tried to sleep again. It was no use. He stormed out to check the thermostat. Broken again. Was it some kind of seasonal tradition? To die of heat? He opened the fridge and hunted for a cool drink. He heard a creak behind him. He swivelled around and saw Joey scratching his stomach. "Hot, ain't it?" he yawned. Chandler slammed the door shut so neither of them could see the other's bare body by the light and sneaked past Joey towards his room. But it was just light enough by the glow of the crisp moonlight. "Well Mr Self-shame has nakeyfied too? See, I'm not a pervert coz I sleep naked!" chuckled Joey. 

Chandler poked him in the chest, "We're not all exhibitionists." Joey simply flashed a smile at him and that was a decent enough retort for him. Keeping his eyes level, Chandler went back into his room. "The heating's gone screwy," Joey moaned and then rummaged in the fridge a few seconds later. Chandler felt his eyelids drooping despite the heat and he had soon gone to dreamland. Joey munched on a sandwich and sat on his recliner to enjoy some more late-night erotica. There didn't seem to be any on which was strange but he soon found a channel still porning away and he finished off his sandwich quickly and enjoyed the rest of the night alone.

          Catching Joey snoring and naked on a recliner wasn't exactly how Chandler wanted to start the day but it was the first thing he saw when he left his room. He threw a blanket over him before marching down to see why the heating was being so retarded lately. He was offered a lame explanation, and had to march back up again in a fury. Monica met him on the landing. "Your heating is on high too?" he asked, blushing slightly. She nodded then went over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks, for caring about my feelings like that." He shrugged, blushing more. Why, why, why? The fighting wasn't that bad surely? He bit his lip to prevent him from voicing that thought. He excused himself and went back into the apartment. Joey was dressed and munching some breakfast. "Any luck?"

          "Nah, stupid bastards," he grumbled back scouring the newspaper for any interesting articles. Joey shrugged and crunched his cereal noisily. "Gonna confront Gil on Monday?" Silence. "No." A longer silence. "Ok." Joey dropped the spoon into the bowl and threw them both in the sink. "I've got an audition later. Wanna come?"

          "Sure." 

Joey stood in front of Chandler, "Come on man, get over it!"

          "You've no idea what it's like…"

          "I thought you said you were over it."

          "I though I was… maybe I'll never be over it. I have no soul mate," he sobbed bitter tears that nestled in the corners of his mouth.

          "You've got your lobster!" Joey reasoned. "I'm all you need. We'll get you a mermaid now and then, just for laying and- "

          "I don't want to just lay someone. I want to be with someone forever. Someone to hold and, and love…"

          "But you never wanted that! Not until Monica put it in your head- "

          "Monica…" Her name set him off bawling. "Daniel…" He shook as a flurry of hiccups overtook his body. Joey hugged him closely. "They'll always be here. But your soul mate is somewhere else."

          "My *hic* lobster… Joe…"

          "Yep, me."

          "And you'll *hic* get me mermaids?"

          "A whole school of them." His grip slackened and Chandler's hiccups subsided. He looked at him with shining wet eyes. "Joey…" he sighed. Joey moved into the sigh and kissed it away not caring why he did it. Reasons meant nothing right now.


	4. Whywhy, why whywhy, why did you DO that?

Soft, slow, shy… a timid exploration of trust. For a moment, Chandler was lost in the warmth. He could taste his tears mingled with another new flavour. Purely Joey. Joey! His gut instinct to push him away kicked in and he used his arm to prise Joey's top half backwards. Caught unawares, Joey fell back and balanced on one foot before finding gravity again and planting the second firmly back down. Chandler scrambled out of the chair to stand behind it, making a definite boundary between them. He flailed his arms and stuttered, "Why-why, why why-why, why did you DO that?" Joey scratched the back of his neck. "Well I just remembered that you didn't get a kiss at midnight, and the last time you missed out you got all freaked out until I kissed you so this time I was just planning ahead."

          "It's NOT midnight anymore Joe!"

          "I know that, I told you I forgot."

          "Buh… I mean… how…" Chandler fought for the right words to use but all sanity escaped him. Joey stopped scratching his neck. "Ok I'm sorry if it freaked you out. Next year I'll be far, far away from you."

Chandler bit his lip and said, "Not far away; just not… kissing me unexpectedly." Joey shrugged. "You've gotta work on your homophobia."

          "WHAT? I've been told I'm gay by countless people, my father whipped the pool guy in front of me when I was a kid - traumatising me, I'm pining over my ex-wife, who's going on a date with a gay man who used to have a crush on me and you KISS me and tell me I'm a homophobe? I've had a LOT of patience with gays so far." Chandler was almost spitting in fury and was leaning over the recliner too far forward. It collapsed backwards and he fell into the seat. "Dude are you Ok?" Joey rushed forward.

          "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" Chandler screamed grasping at his hair. "I'm thirty-fucking-five years old. Why am I divorced, and still living in a grubby little apartment watching Baywatch? I should be living in a house with a white fence and have a wife and kids where I chat to the next-door neighbour about sports and cars and lawnmowers."

          "This is New York…"

          "Well I wouldn't stay here obviously!" he slid back off the chair allowing it to fall back with a thud. Joey picked it back up then followed Chandler who was headed towards his room. "Stop, wait! You can talk to me, you know that. What's with this house and family stuff? When did you start thinking this way?"

          "Ever since..." There was no way to speak of the moment. Not without completely succumbing to his subconscious. The memory was locked away, hidden. Could he speak of it to him, to Joey? His best friend? 

          "It was so long ago, I'm not sure when it was. We'd pretty much given up on trying for a baby. We fought… we were constantly fighting. We blamed each other but it was just one of those things. I spent most nights sleeping in the spare room. So that made trying for a baby more difficult. Our patience frayed… nerves shot. That's why we went to the coffee house so little. It wasn't because we were 'trying yet again' as Rachel put it; we were either arguing or enjoying the silence between spats. Then one night, we tried again. Put it all behind us and started anew. But afterwards Monica confronted me. She claimed I said someone else's name at climax. That was a HUGE fight… we called each other every name that could stir up bad feelings. We opened old wounds and they just didn't heal this time. We hurt each other too deeply. Mentioned things that shouldn't even have been remembered. Things we'd promised to forget. Unforgivable, below the belt, cutting remarks and rebuttals - I cant even begin to tell you how low I stooped. I was shameless and she… such a bitch. But no worse than me. Until…"

          "Until?"

          "I can't tell you. But that's when I knew I couldn't stay. A few weeks later she told me she was pregnant by that night."

          "When you said the wrong name."

          "Yes." Chandler had remained fairly emotionless throughout the tale. But as he said that one insignificant word, his eyes swam in the tears and he had to turn away. 

          "What name?" Joey almost knew the answer already. But he wanted to hear it from Chandler himself.

          "I… I've forgotten." Joey brought Chandler out from under the doorway and sat him in the recliner. "Liar," he whispered. 

"Joey…"

"Yes?"

"No. That's what I said… that was the name." He pulled his arm from Joey's tense grip and awaited a reaction. But Joey just looked at him for a while. Then he took one of Chandler's hands and stroked the knuckles with his thumbs. They barely scraped the surface of the skin. It felt like a butterfly quivering and shimmering on a petal. "Chandler… I'm not gay but… we have something here. Agreed?" Chandler nodded fearfully. He was afraid this would be one of Joey's few shining moments where he made sense and could convince any jury that the sky was made from chocolate and that sheep were angels. Joey spoke again. "We both prefer women, sexually I mean. But we connect together on a much higher plain than that. We're soul mates, and we don't have to express how much we care for each other… not physically. Love and sex exist on different levels and they can meet, of course. Sex rarely leads to love directly. And if it does, it's rarely real. That's why I never cared about how many women I slept with. If they left, it wouldn't really matter. I never loved them. It's just the sex was great. But love… Love should lead to sex not the other way. Love can exist without sex, but for the two lovers to feel like its official, everywhere in and out of the universe, sex is the best way to define the raw emotion."

"You've been reading Rachel's relationship books haven't you? That was page 73 I believe," Chandler sighed, knowing that such poetry couldn't come from a Tribbiani mind. Joey smiled, and continued massaging Chandler's hand with his soft skinned thumbs. "Yes, but I understand and agree with every word."

"And this is just a long, complicated, obscure yet direct way of asking me… what exactly? To sleep with you? Well I'm flattered Joe, I really am.(!) That you'd pay more attention to my feelings and take more care in seducing me than with women you meet in bars," he shouted, growing irritable by this sudden display of affection and he undeniably felt petrified by the idea of Joey wanting him just because of some lobster theory Phoebe obsessed over. Joey's gut ached seeing Chandler's horrified expression and curt observations of his feeble attempt at explaining his feelings. Truth was, he had no idea. He had never loved anyone this much, he thought, but to… with a guy. That'd take a LOT of love. But maybe they had enough between them. It could be feasible. Try again, a voice inside him urged. Kiss him again, it groaned with frustration. I could lose everything, he told the voice calmly, but his knew his body wasn't listening to the inner squabble and it was moving over to Chandler. His head leant to the left and he met his lips once again. 

Chandler felt the urge to push him away again. But he wondered, as Joey tried to prise his anxious lips apart, if it wasn't just fear, rather than repulsion. He softened to the kiss. He'd let Joey enjoy the moment before he let him down again. He opened his mouth slightly and began to revel in this teasing. He could sense Joey's shoulders tense as he pushed further into the kiss, begging Chandler to yield to his demands. Surrender to what they both knew could happen, should happen, would happen. Chandler sat back into the chair and Joey followed onto him, his knees taking his weight onto the cushion and his hands gripped the arms of the chair. Chandler ran his hand tenderly on Joey's and he paused as Joey flinched at the touch. Joey took it as a good sign and the kiss became harder and more passionate. Chandler's mouth opened in surprise and Joey took full advantage turning the playful tease into an arduous display of fire. Ok this is enough, Chandler decided and wriggled away from Joey's head. The kiss broke off and Joey moved off, panting heavily. "Wha… why?"

"We aren't gay!"

"No but I though we could-"

"No Joe. I pretty much know what you're thinking. Be together but have women too. And what about jealousy? What if one of us finds a girl we really like. Marriage crops up again…" Joey tried to think up a counter-argument but Chandler waved it away and shook his head. "No more. I can't handle more deceit and lies and broken relationships. I just want one person. Wherever they are. Just them. Forever. Can you quit women forever Joe? No, neither can I. Goodnight." With that, he stormed into his room. Joey stayed there, perched on his haunches for a few seconds. Chandler burst back out of the room, "Ok, it's only 11am…" Joey fell back laughing. "Trust YOU to make light of this," Chandler huffed. Joey got up and grabbed his coat. "I'm going to my audition. Still want to come?"

"You wont mention-"

"No."

"…Ok then."

They did their best to act like nothing happened. Joey's audition went well, amidst the comments from other actors that they made a cute couple. Each time that happened, they were silent for a brief interlude. Then somehow they found a way to begin again and continued joking and chatting. The late afternoon was spent in Central Perk with the others, which gave them some relief from pretending to be happy around each other. And they even persuaded Phoebe and Andy to join them at the cinema, so that bought them a lot of time. But when the taxi harbouring Phoebe and Andy inside revved away from outside the apartment building, they were left alone. The chatter didn't come as easily as it had earlier. They went up in silence and they entered the apartment with a degree of gloom and anticipation. "Ok," Chandler said. "NOW it's goodnight." He went towards his room but a 'clink' sound made him turn around. Joey was putting the chain across the door. "Why are you locking up?" he questioned him with an air of nervousness.

"I'm going to bed."

"Oh." Relief washed over him, until he spied Joey staring forlornly at the recliner. "What are you thinking about?" he timidly asked, knowing the answer but hoping he was wrong. Joey shrugged. He walked past it and into his room. Chandler caught his arm as he went. "Joe… I think, I'm ready to talk about this."

"Nothing to talk about according to you."

"Why the FUCK are you being so angst-filled?"

"It's a slash fanfiction that's why!"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"I…" Chandler was completely lost now. He sat in the recliner and rubbed his hands over his head and face. Joey perked up slightly at where he had subconsciously chosen to sit. "I sat here because it was nearest," Chandler mumbled through his fingers as if psychically picking up on Joey's thoughts.

"Whatever you say man." Joey knelt in front of him. He prised Chandler's hands from his face. "So, you wanted to talk?"

"This lobster thing… if I have a soul mate I want it to be just them. And I'm not into lobsters. I need mermaids."

"And you know what you like?"

"Don't you?"

"I've always thought I'd love a woman mostly. But I love you more than any person in the world. I should be embarrassed by saying that, but the Italian in me doesn't mind."

"Well the um… Bing in me does mind. But I do feel that way, Joe."

Joey felt satisfied by that and patted him on the knee, "So it's just a sex problem we have. We need sex, but not from each other."

          "All guys problems begin and end in sex. That's just the way it is." Joey nodded in accordance. He scratched his neck and added, "If that's so, then where do we go from here?" Chandlers eyes lowered. He twiddled his thumbs. He suddenly felt compulsive and launched himself at Joey, drawing him into another kiss like before. Slow and tempting at first, then fast-paced and burning into a climatic finish. The first kiss they had without one of them pushing the other away. The pusher before was Chandler, but for once he initiated it. And he was glad. But panic gripped him again when he opened his eyes and saw Joey's kind face. If it all went wrong… he'd lose Joey. He fled into his room, leaving Joey bemused. 


End file.
